My first birthday in Chile was in February 2020, and I spent most of it alone. A Saturday birthday initially felt like hitting the jackpot, but my best friend and normal climbing partner was doing a 3-month intensive leadership course in Patagonia, and then the other friend I planned to climb with had a (minor) bike accident and spent a few hours in urgent care, and my other two best friends spent most of the day together nominally preparing a birthday surprise for me, so I was left twiddling my thumbs in my apartment. 

The night eventually turned around (sort of) when the six or seven people I had invited over at 7pm for dinner and board games finally showed up around 9pm, by which point I legitimately thought that no one was going to come. We ate my homemade yellow thai curry that I immediately found out was too spicy for most people there, and played a word-based boardgame in spanish which my elementary-level español was not prepared for, and I wasn’t able to kick everyone out until 2am which is wayyy past my bedtime. 

A lot of that tough day can be attributed to bad luck and culture clashing and my (lack of) spanish. But I think the fundamental issue here goes beyond language. I was particularly bummed to not spend the day with my two best friends, while in contrast, they were super excited about the birthday surprise they prepared for me. Not that I don’t love surprises, I just place more value on quality time with people I care about. They didn’t know and thus didn’t optimize for it.

Since then, I have thought a lot about the concept of the five love languages: physical touch, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and gifts. Most people have one or two of those that feel more important than the others, and tend to show love to romantic partners, friends, and family in the way that they themselves wants to receive it. But in reality, we should all be showing love to the people we care about in the way that each person prefers, which may or may not align with our own. 

Back to my birthday: both of my friends love presents and surprises, so for them it was natural to want to do that for me. But personally, I would have much rather just spent the day hanging out with them. We’ve since chatted about it, and I try to make an effort to surprise them with little gifts (mostly homemade desserts), and they now focus more on quality time together. This year on my birthday, both of them took time to go out to lunch with me, and then also came to my apartment that evening for a small gathering with other friends including more than 2kg of guacamole and a loaf of semi-healthy homemade chocolate almond butter banana bread. In the invitation, I explicitly stated that I’d be kicking everyone out at 11pm, which mostly worked. A pretty good evening in my opinion.

Sure, my spanish is miles better now than it was four years ago. But at a deeper level, my friends and I have taken the time to get to know one other better and make an effort to do things for each other that are particularly meaningful to that person. I’d encourage everyone to reflect on how they feel most loved, and perhaps more importantly, to make an effort to show loved ones that you care in the way that feels special to them.

As a very on-topic corollary, I’d also recommend finding the loaf of your life if you haven’t already. This one is a pretty good contender if you’re still looking around; at my birthday gathering, someone said, “This isn’t just good, this is exquisite!”